Schrödinger’s 5G: Apple is both late to and already killing us with it



Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the non-binary gendered and the otherwise non-binary gendered, it’s time again for another episode of the new game show The Macalope just made up: Here’s What’s Hilarious!

If you’ve followed this column at all over the years… well, The Macalope would just like to formally apologize to you. It’s mostly a thinly-disguised series of butt jokes sold as somehow Apple-related. That’s what we here at Macalope Industries call “the special sauce”.

Not to be confused with the actual “special sauce” we put on the alfalfa burgers in the cafeteria. Which is really just Thousand Island dressing.

Sorry, chef Terry. Your secret is out.

Anyway, if you’ve followed this column, you know how The Macalope spends his days: railing against bad Apple analysis. It’s a living.

(Disclaimer: not actually “a living”.)

Throughout 2019, if we heard one thing it was how ugly the iPhone 11 was going to be. But if we heard two things we also heard how no one was going to buy the ugly iPhone 11 because it was also not going to have 5G. How dumb! The people are screaming for faster speeds and Apple was going to be (say it together with The Macalope now) LATE TO 5G! Why pay for a phone that doesn’t have the network you can’t even use yet?! It makes no sense! Who would do that?!

Well, it turns out a lot of people because the iPhone 11 has sold really well by most accounts. Go figure.

So. After hearing month after month how Apple had dropped the ball by not shipping 5G before it could reliably be used, you might be surprised to see a video touting the dangers of 5G’s killer waves being circulated on social media. The surprising thing wouldn’t be how the video that supposedly shows 5G lighting steel wool on fire when put it in a ring around a 5G smartphone receiving a call. No, no, that’s merely 100 percent bogus, not surprising.

What was most surprising about the video was that the supposed 5G phone receiving that flammable call was not a Samsung Galaxy whatever. No, it was an iPhone 6.

Yes, only Apple could screw up so badly that it’s both late to 5G and somehow embedded 5G so powerful that it burns steel wool in an iPhone that came out six years ago.

And that’s what’s hilarious.

Well, at least this was just a dumb tweet that was quickly debunked. It’s not like dire warnings about the dangerous waves emanating from Apple devices and frying unsuspecting users was ever published in a reputable publication like The New York Times or anything.

Cough.

Suffice it to say, 5G does not light steel wool on fire. There’s currently no evidence it’s harmful at all. Alas, the same cannot be said for the droves of misinformation we’re subjected to on a daily basis. At the very least, it’s giving The Macalope a headache.

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